Congratulations, you’re newlyweds! Everything is going great – the conversations are flowing; the sex feels exciting; you’re giving each other good morning kisses; and there is nothing your partner could do that would turn you off! Fast forward a few years - the conversation has changed to the weather; your desire for sex has decreased; you get caught up in taking the kids to sports practice and dance recitals; work starts to take over. In short, the “honeymoon phase” has turned to routine. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone [3]! Many couples find their levels of satisfaction waning as the years go on.

Studies suggest the first 4-7 years of marriage are peak times for divorce [2], leading to the colloquial term seven-year itch. But what causes this decline in satisfaction? One thought is that outside stressors erode satisfaction in the marriage unconsciously [1]. External stress decreases time with partners, weakens the quality of communication, creates an increased risk of sexual dysfunction and mood disturbances, and higher rates of anxiety and hostility. Even as the stress increases, humans – being creatures of habit – stay buried in it because habit and patterns are safe [4]. As the safety in habit forms, it can feel as though the safety with your partner begins to decline.

How do we break those habits then? First and foremost, seek to find the stresses in your life, then address them with your partner. It can be so easy here to say things like “you never help with the kids” or “I always have to take out the trash,” but starting here can come across as accusatory and immediately shut down your partner or cause them to become defensive – neither of which are conducive to receptiveness. Instead, start by acknowledging where you are. “I have been overwhelmed at work and would really appreciate it if you could take out the trash tonight” then acknowledge when your partner does something differently like taking out the trash. This approach expresses your need for assistance while letting your partner know your stress is outside the relationship.

Another way to interrupt habits and external stress is by doing something spontaneous. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Well... When did you last stop for a drink on the way home and get one for your partner, even if they didn’t ask for one? What about buying them their favorite dessert just because you saw it while grocery shopping and thought of them? Spontaneity doesn’t have to be a grand gesture like a surprise weekend getaway. These little signs of affection show your partner that you think about them and that they are important to you. If you’re one of those people who need to plan, that’s fine too! Just because it’s planned by you beforehand, doesn’t mean it’s not a spontaneous surprise to your partner! 

Another one that might seem obvious is self-care. It can be so easy to do something for someone else, but doing something for ourselves is often (almost) out of the question! The American culture is to hustle, give, repeat. For many, our worth is dependent on our output, and practicing self-care yields no output, right? Well, not really! Think of self-care like your bank account: when you have no money in the account, you can’t buy anything. Then you may turn to a credit card. Now you owe that amount of money you just spent, plus interest. When you don’t take time for yourself, you are spending effort on credit – and that interest often is paid for by taking away from our relationships and loved ones. Taking time to recharge your battery now means that you will have more to give later. Self-care can look different on different days – from taking a bubble bath with a good book, to just spending a minute or two in silent meditation or reflection. The options are endless!

Finally, reexamine how we define intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be penetrative sex. It can look different each time, depending on your level of desire. Sometimes, intimacy can be just cooking breakfast together or a spontaneous dance in the living room after putting the kids to bed.

Breaking the monotony of habits and scratching that 7-year itch can be a time to strengthen the bond of your relationship! It begins with honest and open communication with yourself and your partner. The options and actions discussed barely scratch the surface! Working with a licensed counselor or therapist can give you the tools to create those conversations in healthy and sustainable ways. Change begins with saying “I need…”.

References:

[1] Bodenmann, G., Ledermann, T., Bradbury, T. (2007). Stress, sex, and satisfaction in marriage. Personal Relationships, 14, 551-569. https://doi.org/10.1111/J.1475-6811.2007.00171.X

[2] Kulu H. (2014). Marriage duration and divorce: the seven-year itch or a lifelong itch?. Demography, 51(3), 881–893. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13524-013-0278-1

[3] Lavner, J. A., & Bradbury, T. N. (2010). Patterns of Change in Marital Satisfaction Over the Newlywed Years. Journal of marriage and the family, 72(5), 1171–1187. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00757.x

[4] Mendelsohn A. I. (2019). Creatures of Habit: The Neuroscience of Habit and Purposeful Behavior. Biological psychiatry, 85(11), e49–e51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2019.03.978