In this powerful episode of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, hosts Dr. Kimberly Castelo and Kyle Benson tackle a deeply important and often misunderstood topic: people pleasing and sex. This episode speaks directly to those who feel the pressure to perform in their intimate relationships, even when it means disconnecting from their own needs, desires, or bodily consent.

For many individuals—especially those with anxious attachment styles—sex can become less about connection and pleasure and more about approval, fear of abandonment, and internalized roles about what it means to be a “good” partner. This dynamic can quietly corrode trust, safety, and joy in relationships, leading to resentment, emotional disconnection, and a loss of authentic eroticism.

Let’s explore the challenges and key takeaways from this conversation.

The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing in the Bedroom

People pleasing and sex are often tangled in ways that many don’t recognize until they’re burned out, shut down, or emotionally checked out. In the episode, Kim and Kyle discuss how individuals with anxious attachment may over-function in their relationships by trying to meet their partner’s every need, including sexual ones.

This might look like:

• Saying yes to sex even when you're tired or emotionally unavailable
  
  
• Feeling guilty for saying no
  
  
• Measuring your worth by how satisfied your partner feels
  
  
• Believing it’s your responsibility to keep your partner happy and attracted
  
  

While these behaviors may seem like acts of love on the surface, they often stem from fear—fear of rejection, fear of not being enough, or fear of conflict. When sex becomes another box to check rather than an act of mutual connection, the emotional cost is high. Both partners begin to feel more distant, less playful, and less seen.

Performative Intimacy: The Chore List Sex Trap

One of the most striking moments in the episode is when Kim shares a real example: a therapist telling a client to “just have sex with her husband three times a week.” The message? Sex is a duty, not a dialogue. That advice, while common in some therapeutic and cultural circles, completely ignores the individual’s bodily autonomy and relational context.

When sex becomes obligatory, it loses its vitality. It turns into a performance—one that might preserve surface-level peace but comes at the cost of deeper connection and emotional honesty. As Kyle points out, performative sex sends signals of disinterest, which can lead a partner to feel unwanted or ashamed. It’s a cycle that pulls couples apart rather than brings them closer.

Owning Your Pleasure: A Radical Shift

The solution, as Kim boldly states, is learning to own your pleasure. “Your orgasm is not your partner’s job,” she says. “You are responsible for your own pleasure.” This idea can feel revolutionary for those who were taught that their value in a relationship hinges on satisfying their partner.

When individuals take ownership of their own erotic desires, needs, and boundaries, they begin to engage in intimacy from a place of agency, not anxiety. They stop relying on external validation and start co-creating connection with their partner. This shift is essential to move from a fear-based sexuality to a secure, playful, and responsive one.

Co-Creating a New Sexual Script

Another key takeaway from the episode is the importance of rewriting your sexual script. Too often, our ideas of what sex should be come from early exposure to porn, media, religion, family messages, or poorly delivered sex education. These scripts shape what we believe is “normal” or “expected,” even if those beliefs cause harm.

Kim and Kyle encourage couples to challenge those scripts together. What do you want intimacy to look like in your relationship? What feels good, safe, playful, and connecting? By co-creating a new script—one that honors both partners' needs—you reclaim eroticism and build deeper emotional intimacy.

Healing Starts with Awareness

Understanding the link between people pleasing and sex requires compassion, not shame. Kim and Kyle remind us that these patterns are often rooted in attachment wounds, cultural conditioning, and fear. Healing starts by asking, Why is this my strategy? Where did I learn this? And most importantly, What do I want instead?

Through individual or couples therapy, many people can begin to:

• Understand their attachment style and how it shapes intimacy
  
  
• Reconnect with their body’s cues and boundaries
  
  
• Build communication skills that allow honest and respectful conversations about sex
  
  
• Redefine what intimacy means on their terms

Final Thoughts

Sex that’s driven by fear, guilt, or performance is not truly intimate. It’s transactional. But when couples start to peel back the layers of people pleasing, reclaim their own erotic agency, and build trust around emotional and physical safety, intimacy becomes transformational.

If you’ve found yourself trapped in cycles of obligation or fear-based sexuality, know that you are not alone—and healing is possible.

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Until next time, stay connected and love fully. ❤️