Planning is the foundation of the mental load. It’s the quiet, persistent background work that ensures a household runs  smoothly and that everyone's needs are met — often before they even  arise. It may look like she’s just “thinking ahead,” but in reality, it’s a highly active, continuous form of labor that rarely stops. 

What She’s Planning

There are two major types of planning: short term and long-term. Short-term planning happens daily and includes meals, chores, kid routines, errands, and unexpected schedule changes. Long-term planning includes holidays, school breaks, vacations, family goals, and seasonal needs like purging closets or  preparing for cold weather. 

Short-term planning might involve: 

• Planning meals that consider everyone’s preferences, allergies, and the timing of evening activities  

• Coordinating school drop-offs, work meetings, doctor’s appointments, and extracurriculars so that nothing overlaps  

• Prepping snacks, packing lunches, and getting outfits ready for the next day  

• Adjusting schedules for unexpected events like a sick child or a last-minute school project  

Long-term planning often requires: 

• Keeping a detailed calendar of school breaks, holidays, sports  seasons, and medical check-ups 

• Organizing birthday parties, date nights, and family events 

• Managing seasonal wardrobe changes for growing kids  

• Budgeting for and researching vacations — including travel,  accommodations, entertainment, and meals  

Why It’s So Exhausting

Planning never ends. It’s layered with decision-making, anticipation, and adjustments when things don’t go as expected. If a child suddenly gets sick or a work meeting runs late, the whole day’s plan may need to shift. She’s expected to respond to those disruptions while keeping everything else intact. 

And even when she’s relaxing, part of her mind is often running through  the plan for the next day: what needs to be prepped, who has what activities, whether there’s enough time for everything, and if anything has been forgotten. There’s no clear clock-out time. The mental tabs are always open. 

This form of cognitive multitasking puts a huge strain on the executive functioning system. It’s emotionally taxing to be responsible for ensuring that nothing falls through the cracks — especially when the consequences often fall on the entire family if something is missed. 

Mental Load Behind the Scenes

Much of this planning happens without discussion or recognition. Her brain is constantly organizing details about school schedules, grocery lists, bills, social events, family  health, and more. That internal map of “what needs to happen when” is  carried silently, and because it’s done well, it’s easy to overlook. 

In more traditional partnerships, it’s common for one person — usually the woman — to be the default planner. She becomes the unofficial  household manager, while her partner waits to be given tasks. This creates a dynamic where one person holds the mental responsibility for  everything, even if the other is willing to help.

In more egalitarian partnerships, both people actively engage in the  planning process. They share calendars, initiate conversations about schedules, and anticipate needs together. The mental work is distributed, not just the chores themselves. This shift lightens the cognitive load and helps both partners feel more connected. 

Real-Life Illustration

Let’s go back to Sandy and Mark. Sandy is planning an average Tuesday. She has to drop off one child at preschool and the other at kindergarten, attend a doctor appointment, pick up groceries, prep dinner early because of soccer practice, and coordinate bedtime routines. She’s also mentally noting what to do tomorrow, next weekend, and whether she needs to remind Mark to take the trash out before it overflows. 

Mark, on the other hand, is thinking about his workday. He trusts that  Sandy has the home handled — not out of disrespect, but because she always does. He doesn’t realize the amount of mental juggling required just to keep the day running smoothly. And if something does go wrong,  it’s often Sandy who is expected to pivot and make up for it. 

Reflection Prompt

Think about the last three days. Who planned  meals? Coordinated schedules? Remembered appointments? What part did you play in the actual planning — not just the doing? If you’re  unsure, ask your partner what she’s currently planning. Listen. 

Planning is one of the most demanding aspects of the  mental load, and it’s one that rarely gets a break. When shared equally, it brings relief and deeper partnership. Recognizing and joining in the planning process isn’t just helpful — it’s foundational to creating a more balanced relationship. A true partnership isn’t just about splitting tasks, but also about sharing the mental work of planning for and supporting the life you’re building together. 

About Dr. Celeste McClannahan

Celeste is an attachment-based therapist who uses Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to help clients deepen self-awareness and build stronger, more secure relationships. She believes meaningful change happens in the context of safety and connection, and she is honored to walk alongside clients in their healing journeys. Celeste offers a compassionate, non-judgmental space where vulnerability is welcomed and respected.

She is affirming of LGBTQIA+ individuals, first responders, people of faith, and those from diverse cultural backgrounds. Deeply committed to cultural humility, Celeste is always open to learning how to best support and respect each person’s unique experience. Schedule your free consultation today and take the next step toward healing and connection.