We all want passion, connection, and joy in our intimate relationships—but what happens when sex becomes boring?

It’s a vulnerable question. One that’s difficult to ask out loud, especially with someone you love deeply. In the latest episode of the Roadmap to Secure Love podcast, therapists Kimberly Castelo and Kyle Benson explore how to talk securely about boring sex with your partner without creating shame, distance, or disconnection.

This topic touches so many couples—those in long-term relationships, couples adjusting to life after kids, or even those in the early stages of emotional healing. If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in routine, longing for something more, but not knowing how to say it, this conversation is for you.

Why Talking About Boring Sex Feels So Risky

Sex is inherently vulnerable—not just physically, but emotionally. Even in secure, loving relationships, conversations about intimacy often stir up insecurities:

• “Am I not good enough?”
  
  
• “Are they comparing me to someone else?”
  
  
• “Is our relationship broken?”
  

These questions can arise even before you say a word, which is why so many people stay silent or try to sugarcoat their feedback with something called the “compliment sandwich”:

“I love having sex with you... but it’s kind of boring... but I still love you.”

While well-intentioned, this tactic often backfires. As Kim and Kyle explain in the podcast, our partners tend to anticipate the “but,” focusing only on the critique and missing the heart of what we’re trying to share.

The Compliment Sandwich Doesn’t Work—Here’s Why

In emotionally charged conversations, our nervous systems are on high alert. When we start with praise and shift to critique—even gently—our partner’s brain is already bracing for something painful. The praise becomes background noise.

Instead of using the compliment sandwich, Kim and Kyle suggest leading with emotional vulnerability—the kind that shares why you want something different in your intimate life, rather than what’s wrong.

Speak from Your Longing, Not Your Frustration

Saying “Sex is boring” may be true, but it’s likely to activate defensiveness. The better route is to share your attachment longing—what sex means to you emotionally and how you hope to connect through it.

For example:

“I love feeling close to you, and I want to explore new things together because that makes me feel even more connected and alive in our relationship.”

This kind of statement speaks from the heart, not from critique. It invites your partner in, rather than pushing them away.

Normalize the Mundane—But Don’t Settle for Disconnection

One of the most refreshing moments in the episode is when Kim and Kyle normalize the reality that sometimes, sex is just... Wednesday night with your socks on. That’s okay.

The goal isn’t to have mind-blowing sex every time—it’s to make space for emotional presence, mutual exploration, and connection. It’s when mundane becomes the norm and connection starts to feel out of reach that couples benefit from gently talking about what they’d like to rediscover.

The Listener’s Role: Don’t Let Shame Shut Down the Conversation

If you’re on the receiving end of this conversation, your first reaction might be fear or shame. That’s normal. But here’s the critical point from the podcast: Your partner’s desire for more is not a rejection of you. It’s an invitation to go deeper with you.

Rather than internalizing a partner’s words as a critique, practice hearing the emotional message underneath:

“I want to feel more alive—with you.”

“I want to explore—with you.”

“I want to feel closer—to you.”

By recognizing that your partner is choosing you to grow with, you can resist the pull of inadequacy and open the door to deeper intimacy.

Key Takeaways from This Episode

If you’re wondering how to talk securely about boring sex with your partner, here are the core takeaways from Kim and Kyle’s conversation:

1. Ditch the compliment sandwich.
It creates anxiety and reduces your partner’s ability to hear you clearly.

2. Lead with emotional meaning.
Share why you want to explore more—not what your partner isn’t doing.

3. Normalize vulnerability.
Even in sex-positive relationships, talking about sex can stir up shame. That’s okay.

4. Be emotionally present.
Extraordinary sex isn’t about technique—it’s about feeling emotionally safe and connected.

5. Keep the stakes low.
Great sex happens when both people feel secure. It’s not about performance—it’s about play.

This Is About Us—Not What’s Missing

When you learn how to talk securely about boring sex with your partner, you shift the conversation from critique to connection. You create a space where both of you can be emotionally naked—not just physically. And from that place, exploration becomes an act of intimacy, not pressure.

If your sex life has started to feel stuck, let this episode be your gentle guide back to closeness.

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Until next time, stay connected and love fully. ❤️