“We aren’t on the same page or even in the same book.”
I hear this a lot.
“You are right,” I tell them, “You are not. Your brains are different.”
All brains see and experience the world in nuanced ways informed by our bodies, our minds, our emotions, the way we grew up, and the environment. One could argue that all relationships are mixed-neurotype and they would not be wrong. But I am not talking about all brains. I am talking about the brains that fall into that category of Autistic and/or ADHD, the brains that some research shows experience a sensory environment 40% more intensely than neuro-typical brains. (“Synaptic pruning” is the search term here. Super interesting stuff!).
“I keep hurting them, but I do not know what I am doing wrong. I am just being honest.”
“They miss the subtext. When I say ‘it’s cold in here’, I want the heat turned up, not to be told that it’s 65 degrees.”
“We keep having to cancel plans because of burn out.”
“They just don’t get it.”
“I’m always saying the wrong thing.”
“They keep forgetting to complete the thing we need done for the kids.”
“I don’t understand why they shut down, get quiet, and stop responding to me. It is like they leave the room, but they are still there. Can they hear me?”
“I feel limited in sex because that sound, or that texture is very distracting.”
“I want to feel closer, but I do not know how to meet their needs. I need a new language for this.”
Obviously, this is not true for everybody, but I have found in working with mixed neuro-type couples, we need to slow, way, WAY down. Sometimes, in session, we literally break down sentences: “does that word mean what you think it means?” I ask this question channeling the character of Inigo Montoya from Princess Bride, but all joking aside: do we know what we are talking about? Subtext is such a rich topic, and many neurotypical people assume everyone can translate it. Guess what? Not everyone can. I think we can cognitively understand this, but living in a true understanding that allows our partner to feel seen is so different than knowing. What does neurodivergence mean for our relationship? For you? For me?
In Emotion Focused Therapy, there is emphasis on uniting a couple against The Problem to create secure attachment. The Problem is the conflict cycle, the dance we do on repeat and cannot stop. She does this, he does that, they do this, I do that. This problem sequence is also true in mixed-neurotype relationships, although The Problem is often something lost in translation between two brains who organize and experience the world differently. Psychoeducation about and exploration of neurodivergence helps unfold an understanding of a felt detachment that hid from us before. Think more: how does the way our brains work create disconnection? Once we have that language and understanding, we can start healing the other stuff, the relational scars that form after an affair, loss, or trauma.
Is any of this speaking to you? Are you an individual or couple struggling with understanding their relational patterns as informed by neurodivergence? Let’s set up a consultation! Email me at natalie@healingmomentscounseling.net. I look forward to hearing from you!