Be Flirty

When working with people around intimacy, I often assess how a couple flirts. Flirting between those who are dating is expected, but after years of being married or living together, people forget to flirt or even how to flirt.

The reasons for flirting are so important because the lack of it can result in people feeling distant, unseen, and unimportant to their lovers. This potential disconnect between couples not only begins to show up in their communication patterns but also in the way they express their intimacy, communication, and vulnerability in the bedroom.

Therefore, when I am with a couple who feel disconnected, I encourage them

to flirt daily. This form of homework is either welcomed or met with some trepidation. That trepidation comes from many different places. One possibility is that lovers do not know how to flirt and therefore are afraid to look silly. Flirting can be a vulnerable activity to undertake when you think you will be judged for trying. The truth is: No one wants to feel rejected when trying to connect with their lover; no one wants to be turned away and thought of as silly.

An encounter that shames or makes fun of a person for trying to be flirty can lead to a cycle of distrust and distancing. Therefore it is essential to be mindful when your lover is trying to connect and to resist any tendency to reject his/her efforts. The goal here is always to remember to be kind to your lover when you see him/her trying to connect and be appreciative of the effort.

Also there is nothing wrong with asking your partner very frankly what makes him/her feel special, pursued, and loved. We are not good mind-readers as humans; therefore, asking for direction from our lover is a powerful way to learn how to meet each other’s needs emotionally and sexually. It is ok not to know all the answers of how to please our lover; therefore asking for guidance and direction can help you both.

Another reason people can feel weary of flirting is because they feel flirting has to lead to penetration. Couples who are weary of flirting often believe flirting has to be a means to an end, and so they do not want to engage in this exercise. This is where we need to expand the definition of sex. Our society equates sex with penetration; however, sex is more than just intercourse. Sex is a combination of pleasure and connection between lovers. Take a moment to think of what brings pleasure and connection when you are with your lover.

Make a list of things and see which one of those things can be brought into the bedroom. Also, be mindful of when you are feeling connection and pleasure with your lover during different moments in the day; slow down and enjoy it and express to your lover that you are enjoying that moment with them.

My husband and I practice flirting all the time. It is now part of our daily life.

Just the other day after a long day meeting with couples I went to my car finding a note which read “Do you know how much I love you? You are the most beautiful woman I have ever encountered!” He was at work himself and stopped by my office without me knowing to leave a message in the car. So when I saw that, it made me feel loved, appreciated, thought of, pursued…all of the things that I needed after seeing couples for 7 hours straight. The point of this story is that just a simple text or note saying, “I’m thinking of you” can help couples feel closer and more connected.

When talking with a friend about this article, she said, “I don’t know how to flirt; isn’t there a book out there to help me?” My response was a smile and I replied, “There are books about everything so I am sure there is one out there for flirting.” However, that made me think of the need to list some ways to flirt in this article. This list is not exclusive by any means; be creative and try different things when pursuing your lover.

Send a text in the middle of the day

Leave a note around the house, in their work things, in their car etc.

Buy flowers or better yet pick some and give them to your lover

Wink at each other

Tap your partner’s butt

Hold hands


Give a massage

Buy them their favorite lunch and surprise them at work or better yet, bring a picnic

Write a poem or sing a song to them

Do something that “only” they would enjoy

Bring them breakfast in bed or a coffee

Let them sleep in

Tell them the parts of their body you find enticing (things unique to them, like a little spot on their back)

Touch them throughout the day

Play with their hair

Tell them they are loved

Look into their eyes and smile

Basically any idea is a good idea. You can add to this list; in fact, I expect everyone to add to this list. The truth is love-making and intimacy need to be fostered and worked at daily. So, try flirting and see what kind of passion begins to develop between you and your lover.

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    Kimberly Castelo, LMFT, CST, CIIP


    Annie, Clinical Intern